in the valley of the shadow of death

I don't ever remember being surrounded by so much sadness.

We're just days away from the year anniversary of Dad's death. The past year, which should have been one of healing, has been filled with many more low points. We've watched friends and relatives undergo difficult cancer treatments. A cross country teammate of the boys committed suicide. A friend's sister was murdered. Several friends said goodbye to parents and grandparents. A 51-year-old friend from church died suddenly of a brain aneurism. A favorite friend from work lost her battle with cancer. And today, good friends lost their college-age son in a car crash. Devastating. As in, there-are-no-words devastating. The looks in their eyes, forever etched. Their lives have been irrevocably changed.

With each of these events, life is changed. Not the same as it was before.

It's hard to know what to make of it all.
Life can be so... grey... sometimes. Or for a whole year at a time.

Or maybe longer. I don't know.

People will say that these things seem to come in waves, that the "bad things" come a few at a time, and then comes a reprieve. It just seems that every time I think, "OKAY. Surely that is the end of the bad news for a while," something else is just around the corner.

Maybe I'm experiencing more of what life is really like. And--with much certainty--death is part of it. It doesn't change my faith or my way of looking at God. I've never thought that this life would be without pain and suffering. I've just never had so much of it so close. I don't feel like I doubt God's love or ability to bring comfort. Or, if I can be honest, maybe I just don't want to pile a faith crisis on top of an already-fragile state of mind.

I think I'm learning a new way of living. I can now cry one minute and laugh the next. I don't know what else to do. Life isn't all fun and games, but it is a little. Life isn't all mourning and sadness, but it is a little. Maybe it's about finding a way to swirl the levity and joy in with the darkness. Maybe that's the only way to keep sane. and realistic.

But I'll tell you this. I'm going to do a better job of telling people how I feel about them (especially the ones I like). Life can end in an instant. If I think it's pretty cool to have you in my life, I want you to know. So don't weird out if a rogue wave of "I love you, man" comes your way from me.

And believe me, I'm ready for happier blog posts, too! Some chapters are just sadder than others. I'm not the author, just the reporter.