So this is 41.

It’s been a year and a half since I entered my 40s.

I’m still not sure what I think.

But speaking from my singular experience, this decade feels different. It’s been a whole new chapter and a very different experience with which I’m still coming to terms.

If I were to summarize what it’s like to be me at this point in time, I would say I’m feeling life more than I ever have. It’s not a bad thing. But everything feels more--I don’t know--significant. And, sometimes, I find myself wishing for a little less weight and a little more fluff. 

Words have always been important to me, and so I tend to latch on to them, and let them bounce around in my head. Some ick words have been reverberating lately. Cancer. Dementia. Suicide. Loss. Grief. These words, and the realities behind them, haven’t sunk me, but they lurk. All the time.

On the flip side, I’m also feeling more joy than ever. As I watch my boys turn into men, I’m not only in love with them, but I just plain like them. And after 20 years of marriage, Dennis and I still have a crazy lot of fun together. We laugh hard and often, and it makes my soul happy. And when I’m away from home on work travel, I’m still in awe that I’ve been granted my dream job. On a recent trip, I spent a day with a group excursion in southern France, and this was my text to Dennis: “…in a flower market in Old Nice, and my heart is nearly bursting…”

Honestly, my heart feels like it’s near bursting all the time. Emotions reside right beneath the surface, and maybe that’s because it hasn’t been that long since Dad died. The tears come all too easily. I don’t feel depressed, but I do feel—I don’t know—older. And that’s another word that lurks.

I do miss the lightheartedness life used to have. I hope it returns in time. I’ll have to wait and see. Which is the only thing any of us can ever really do, I guess.

In the meantime, I’ll do what I can to embrace lightheartedness. I’m thinking of having a party and renting a cotton candy machine. Really. I'll let you know how it goes. If you live nearby, come on over. Who doesn't like cotton candy? Sometimes you just need the sweet fluff.