It’s been a year and a half since I entered my 40s.
I’m still not sure what I think.
But speaking from my singular experience, this decade feels different. It’s been a whole new chapter and a
very different experience with which I’m still coming to terms.
If I were to summarize what it’s like to be me at this point
in time, I would say I’m feeling life
more than I ever have. It’s not a bad thing. But everything feels more--I don’t
know--significant. And, sometimes, I find myself wishing for a little less
weight and a little more fluff.
Words have always been important to me, and so I tend to
latch on to them, and let them bounce around in my head. Some ick words
have been reverberating lately. Cancer. Dementia. Suicide. Loss. Grief. These
words, and the realities behind them, haven’t sunk me, but they lurk. All the
time.
On the flip side, I’m also feeling more joy than ever. As I
watch my boys turn into men, I’m not only in love with them, but I just
plain like them. And after 20 years
of marriage, Dennis and I still have a crazy lot of fun together. We laugh hard
and often, and it makes my soul happy. And when I’m away from home on
work travel, I’m still in awe that I’ve been granted my dream job. On a recent trip,
I spent a day with a group excursion in southern France, and this was my text
to Dennis: “…in a flower market in Old Nice, and my heart is nearly bursting…”
Honestly, my heart feels like it’s near bursting all the
time. Emotions reside right beneath the surface, and maybe that’s because it
hasn’t been that long since Dad died. The tears come all too easily. I don’t
feel depressed, but I do feel—I don’t know—older. And that’s another word that
lurks.
I do miss the lightheartedness life used to have. I hope it
returns in time. I’ll have to wait and see. Which is the only thing any of us
can ever really do, I guess.
In the meantime, I’ll do what I can to embrace
lightheartedness. I’m thinking of having a party and renting a
cotton candy machine. Really. I'll let you know how it goes. If you live nearby, come on over. Who doesn't like cotton candy? Sometimes you just need the sweet fluff.
